"the buttsecks you want, you ain't gettin, and the buttsecks you're gettin, you don't want."
it's as true today as it was last october.
and I've got news! I'll tell you when I find out if I'm allowed to tell you. also after I go return "throw momma from the train."
edit: my Yakov All Trades design will soon be available from the good folks over at LuckyThreadz. it's my first print ever. hey ma, look at me! I'm a DESIGNER! now I can trace things and apply different color pallets to them and stuff! ironically! :D yay me! *hug* *kiss, with a little bit of tongue*
as an unexpected drinking game: do a shot every time I mention Ozzy Osbourne or Alice Cooper!
1) Alice Cooper - He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) from Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
I love this fucking song with all my heart and eternal soul. no joke. Alice always had the most fun lyrics, and this badboy is no exception. and that includes "ch-ch-ch! ah-ah-ah!" when you check out the video, watch Jason get buddy-buddy with Alice and then totally sike him out at the end.
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2) Dokken - Dream Warriors from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
no way... Patricia Arquette as an unlikely hero with PSYCHIC ABILITIES?! I refuse to believe it. hey little Mitch Fun Fact™ here: for the longest time, my friend and I had a call-and-response thing going where every time he would mention this movie's title, I had to promptly reply by singing "DREEEEEAM WARRRIOOORRRRS!" it was fun. kinda. you don't care.
check out Dokken beat down Freddy with the power of metal. and stick around til it finishes for an hilarious surprise ending. shazam!
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3) The Dudes of Wrath - Shocker from Shocker (1989)
best supergroup name ever! the Dudes were a fucking powerhouse of metal that included Kiss's Paul Stanley and that one guy from "Tommy Lee Goes to College."
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4) Motorhead - Hellraiser from Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
okay, this I just gotta mention, because it's too cool for school. originally released by Ozzy Osbourne on his 1991 No More Tears album (one of my favorites, bitches!), this awesome motherfucker was penned by the unholy trinity of Ozzy, Zakk Wylde, and Lemmy himself, and re-recorded by Motorhead for Hellraiser III. check out the awesomely early-90's metal video that ends with Lemmy kicking Pinhead's ass in poker. BAM!
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5) 45 Grave - Party Time (Zombie Version) from The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
off one of the best horror soundtracks of the 80's, loaded with punk, new wave, and metal goodness. and the movie freakin rules! basically if you haven't seen this one, then we can't be friends. so come over and let's go rent it, or else gimme back my "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em" tape.
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6) AC/DC - Who Made Who? from Maximum Overdrive (1986)
when the trucks of the world decide to rise up and fight back against us humans, Emelio Estevez is our only hope. obviously! and an AC/DC greatest hits record is the only possibile soundtrack. a high five to that crazy bastard Stephen King too (<3), otherwise we might not have been blessed with the addition of this new single to the AC/DC arsenal.
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7) Dramarama - Anything, Anything from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
fast and whiney. and totally 80's. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
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8) The Fat Boys - Are You Ready for Freddy from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
yeah I'll be ready right after I return Krush Groove to the video store.
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9) J. Geils Band - Fright Night from Fright Night (1985)
every time I see Fright Night, I love it even more. and the J. Geils theme song doesn't hurt, I tells ya.
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10) The Dickies - Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
not one of my favorite flicks, but a damn fun tune.
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11) - Divinyls - Back to the Wall from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
Chrissie Amphlett is just plain yummy.
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12) Tim Cappello - I Still Believe from The Lost Boys (1987)
with the voice of an angel, the taught, rippling muscles of lesbian bodybuilder, and a gladiator costume of such masculine beauty rarely seen outside of Wrestlemania itself, it's no wonder Tim Cappello's performance in The Lost Boys was more late night Cinemax than music video. this song always had a special place in my heart. speaking of which... brb, I've gotta find my old Red Shoe Diaries tapes that I recorded off tv before I could legally buy actual porn.
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13) Ozzy Osbourne - Secret Loser from The Wraith (1986)
I know my calculus. it says Charlie Sheen's drag racing ghost + "The Prince of Fucking Darkness" = good clean fun!
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14) Ian Hunter - Good Man in a Bad Time from Fright Night (1985)
can you say "smoothest motherfucking vampire alive?!" you could, but that would be a misnomer. because vampires are the undead, stupid. even so, any ancient evil who still hits the clubs has got to know where the action is. don't believe me? well watch as Jack Skellington himself seduces Marcy D'Arcy right in front of her Mannequin 2: On the Move boyfriend. and in that sweater, no less! now that's balls right there. vampire balls.
I wouldn't reccomend watching the entire clip, however, as its intensity has been known to induce mass amounts of jean creaming.
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15) Michael Sembello - Rock Until You Drop from The Monster Squad (1987)
oh yes. the "She's A Maniac" guy. Wolfman's got nards, indeed!
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16) Metropolis - The Darkest Side of the Night from Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
this song is so cold and empty, and it scares the fucking shit out of me. there, I said it. and even though most of the flick is snoozeville (they don't even GET to New York til the end of the movie), I still manage to catch it every year or so around Halloween time.
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17) Autograph - You Can't Hide from the Beast Inside from Fright Night (1985)
the same guys who told you to "Turn Up The Radio" now inform you about the dangers of Restless Leg Syndrome. or something. in any event, it rocks. ---
18) Fastway - Trick or Treat from Trick or Treat (1986)
look! somebody was nice enough to put up Ozzy's cameo as a crusading anti-rock televangelist. thanks, youtube!
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19) Megadeth - No More Mr. Nice Guy from Shocker (1989)
"me, a nice guy? yeah righhhhht!" haha. love.
"But Mitch!" you must be imploring, "I thought you worship the ground Alice Cooper bleeds on! what the hell are you doing pimping out a goofy cover of the man's most famous work?" well that's simple, young one; it's because Megadeth is Megadeth. AND it's okay to like it because Alice fucking Cooper himself "raps" on another track on the album, by a certain metal supergroup called The Dudes of Wrath. you've got to hear the rest of the album, if not for that one track! like omigod srsly!
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20) Gerard McMann - Cry Little Sister (Theme from The Lost Boys) from The Lost Boys (1987)
you know it, you love it. the song that I like to imagine countless young goth chicks lost their virginity to: Cry Little Sister.
also, I heard this played at a strip club once. ONCE. and it was awesome. mmm... vampire boobies.
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21) The Ramones - Pet Sematary from Pet Sematary (1989)
desperate, hopeless, and chilling. this song is so perfect, there's no need for words. just FEEL.
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22) Goo Goo Dolls - I'm Awake Now from Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
(mostly) pre-wuss rock Goo Goo Dolls! man... I remember them coming to town back around this time, and even though I was too young to go to the concert, some cop friend of my dad's snagged me a backstage autograph. woohoo! I hope I still have that around here somewheres. maybe I could it pawn it to help pay for tickets to the Ozzy Osbourne & Rob Zombie show in Detroit at Joe Louis Arena on Tuesday, December 18 (drink, bitch!).
lol @ Alice Cooper making it into the video towards the end there
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Bonus Tracks:
Do The Freddy (1987)
"I'm Freddy, and this is for YOU! AHAHAHA!"
Operating Instructions for Your New Freddy™ (see fig 1a)
1) Kick your feet up. 2) Swing your arms up too. 3) Move your head both ways like you see him do. 4) Then jump 3 feet to the swinging beat of The Freddy. 5) Make Johhny Depp's matress eat him alive and spew a torrential river of blood all over the ceiling (optional).
I don't know what the heck he is, but I like the little bastard! he's definitely a build-up on the idea of the last devil guy I posted; not that you noticed. *sob* some of the details were lost when I went to color it, but I'll probably end up recoloring anyway.
hey I've got an idea for you at home... what would YOU have him say, boys and girls?
:D
ask an adult to borrow a Sharpie and write it directly on your computer monitor. fun!
I haven't drawn a friggin thing in months. if I had a dad, I wish he'd beat some god damn sense into me. no wait... I wish I had a dad. then he could take me to baseball games and father-son sack races and stuff! and make me go play pinball and cruisin' USA in the back room of a bar while he'd drink himself into a lightly-toasted haze. yeah!
I thought I knew everything there was to know about my favorite movie of all time, Conan the Barbarian! I mean we go way back... way before the oceans drank Atlantis, even before the rise of the Sons of Aryas. But when I stumbled upon this fanTASTIC clip of dancer, actress, and valkyrie extraordinaire Sandahl Bergman on Youtube, I nearly swallowed my Dubble Bubble.
Because I'm a very classy guy, I shant go into detail here. But if there was any possible way this video could give me more raging boners that it already does, it would have to be dipped in the finest of Bavarian chocolate and autographed by Captain Lou Albano himself.
So anyway, my fevered search for this VHS gem led me to the pretty fucking sweet/totally lame-ass girly girl custom doll art of Tanya Van Der Ploeg. A lot of her work makes the gay man in me swoon, and drink those little individual Crystal Light packets you add to bottled water. But of course it was the Valeria doll that touched me so. Eat this:
"She carries a knotted climbing rope (to help her up the temple wall) complete with grapling hook. :-) Her pants are cotton knit, hand sewn to her - how ELSE do you get the painted on look? LOL - her boots are, I'm afraid, "pleather" - again for the skin hugging effect. She wears three leather belts, one permanent with the classic skull emblem, one riveted to support the scabbard when it's slung over her back and one buckled"
and the best part...
"Her sword is hand ground carbon steel with a walnut handle and beaded pommel. This is *NOT* a toy, it has been sharpened and will cut!"
Oh snap! Just like the G1 Transformers!
Okay stop typing. Now somebody please get me a commission so I can afford to buy a 20 year old workout tape off of some overcharging punk on ebay. Hey thanx k bye! lol omg d2: the mighty ducks
